That Butler: Shoot Me Now
by Sapphire Drizzle
Summary: A series of diary entries from Ciel's strange daily life. General chaos ensues. Warning: Crackfic, language, humor, and flaming kittens.
1. Anger Issues

**A/N: My sister and I wrote this together for a laugh. Enjoy. Please review. Suggestions for future entries are welcome.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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18th of April, 1889

Journal,

I have no desire addressing you as 'dear', nor do I understand why I am speaking to you as if you actually exist.

But I suppose it can't be helped. Lately, not many things have been making sense.

Sebastian insisted that I keep a journal in order to deal with my internal rage, as merely pelting Finnian with darts is not a healthy way to vent and is apparently _inhumane_.

Hmph. Bloody demon.

Being myself, I was appalled by this atrocious accusation! Me, Ciel Phantomhive, have anger issues? What?

When I demanded justification, he recalled a recent memory (this afternoon) that went something like this:

I had been quite irritated, considering how the servants, or in my words, _the three stooges_ were being more obnoxious than usual. Elizabeth, my… _fiancée_ (insert shudder) had also visited, and I will not go into details.

It was just… There was pink.

A lot of pink.

Anyway, after her departure, I had hoped to finally get some peace and quiet. I was at the end of my rope. Until Sebastian informed me that Soma (the idiot prince from India) and Lau (the creepy Chinese nobleman) were coming, as well many other annoying people, whose names I do not care to remember.

Well, let's reminisce. I was already exasperated enough. This news did not help.

I went into a fit of rage so violent, I will not write the specifics in this journal. Just that there were a lot of broken dishes and smashed teacakes involved. I refused to open the door for such two foreign idiots, even when they stood outside on the lawn pleading to see me.

"CIEL, I MISS YOU SO MUCH!" I heard Soma plead, probably near tears (the idiot). Lau merely stated: "Oh come now, Earl, don't you wish to see what I got you all the way from Shanghai?"

"GO AWAY!"

I muttered an obscenity under my breath as Soma began pushing fervently against the door.

Sebastian, who stood beside me, tsked: "You, Young Master, seem to have a prominent problem with being nice. And we must work on that language problem of yours, as well."

I was pissed, and so slammed the door behind me as I went into my quarters, demanding to be left alone for the rest of the afternoon.

AM I NOT THE NICEST PERSON IN ALL OF ENGLAND?

What does Sebastian know anyway? Who does he think he is?

So, here I am, sitting on my bed, writing in this despicable item because Sebastian thinks I need a healthy way of releasing my emotions.

And also because he's refrained me from using any foul language in public.

That bastard.

Anyway, now that we have that settled, this is _not_ a diary.

Because that is childish.

I'm going to attend my strawberry parfait now. This is far too much work for one afternoon.

Ciel Phantomhive


	2. Security Blanket

**A/N: Next entry, please review!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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21st of April, 1889

Journal,

Sebastian noticed that I had been writing in this, since it was his _brilliant idea_ that I get a journal in the first place. Smirking in his usual smug way, he questioned me about it, and I was prepared to give him a snide reply like:

"Don't you have some pantaloons to be ironing, you poor excuse of a butler?_!"_

But, after remembering how I was expected to be… _'nice',_ if you will, I came up with something less demeaning.

I decided to mess with him.

"Why, it is my personal memoire in which I express my innermost sentiments, my darling butler," I said with an attempt at a smile.

He made an odd coughing noise, turning his head discreetly away.

It was awkward.

I… suppose it would be best if I had stuck with the first reply. Apparently, no one got my sense of humor.

And if my day couldn't have gotten _any better_, Elizabeth visited today _again_, but this time, she brought my worst nightmare along with her. As if sleeping with one eye open was not enough.

Marchioness Frances Midford.

Otherwise known as, 'The Mother-in-law from Hell'

Sebastian looked offended when I told him of this nickname. For once I had not intended to insult him.

It was a pleasant bonus.

Because the Midfords are staying over and Sebastian's not in that fine of a mood either, I, err, probably need my security blanket tonight. (I only admit to this because this is between me. I swear, if _Sebastian_ gets ahold of this journal… all hell will break loose and―)

Ahem. Back to the Mother-in-law from Hell.

The rest of the afternoon was a blur. A disturbing blur. My hair still hurts from being pulled and combed so roughly. And because we ran out of petroleum hair gel, she used chicken fat instead. I was not pleased.

At all.

Goodness, why did this woman have to be such a maniac!

Wait. What if she happens to find this? She would carry my head around on a stick.

I think I should end it here. On such a pessimistic note.

I must go and search for my blanket now. And offer Sebastian a truce kitten.

Ciel Phantomhive


	3. The Park

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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26th of April, 1889

Journal,

I swear my life just keeps getting worse. So, today, at bloody seven in the _morning, _Sebastian decided it was a good idea for me to drop _everything_ I was doing and go to the park. According to him, I was looking _paler than a demon _and even more fragile than usual.

WHAT THE HELL?

So apparently I needed some sunlight and fresh air, whatever _those_ are.

I think he just wanted to cook my damned soul in the scorching sun a bit. Let his meal simmer.

Or look for some cats.

But after some reoccurring events with the three stooges being obnoxious, and my butler being his smug, bastard self, I (reluctantly) agreed that it would be alright to take a measly walk.

However, it did not go as I planned.

1. An idiot pigeon decided to take a shi―, ahem, I mean _defecate… on my head. _I was this close to wringing its neck, but Sebastian made sure to hide the damned creature from me.

He said he would feed it to cat, or something, but, for all I know, he probably has some secret affection for birds, as well.

That freak. (Sebastian, if you are reading this… _I mean every word._)

2. While I was sitting on the bench, trying to wipe the bird cra―_excreta_ from my hair, Sebastian came around and shoved (dare I say it) _a cat_ in my face:

"Look, Young Master! Isn't it lovely?"

"GAAHH!"

It took me a whole half hour to disinfect all of the cuts on my face.

3. Then, Sebastian expected me to actually _play_ with the other kids… Am I a stupid child to him? Ciel Phantomhive does not play games ―well, I suppose chess, and then those metaphorical mind games in all those missions for Her Majesty, but those do not constitute as games, per say.

I am merely performing my duties as the Head of Phantomhive estate.

Do I look like I have time to exchange lice with random commoner spawn? I have a business to run: the Funtom Toy/Candy Company. I have paperwork to do and people to lock into ovens and pawns to manipulate. I am a very busy man!

And no, I am not _fragile_, as Sebastian puts it. I just _choose_ to be lazily incompetent at tedious tasks such as dressing and feeding myself.

That's what a butler is _for_. Albeit, a demon of a butler.

Then, as if it couldn't get _any_ worse, that Trancy brat showed up just out of nowhere along with his creepy butler, both of whom, I find, have a disturbing obsession with _me_.

*shudders* I don't even want to _think_ about it. (Needless to say, I have tried to have them assassinated many times, but apparently his butler is one of the few that can rival mine in skill and otherworldly acrobatic moves. Stupid demons.)

Well, Trancy came up to me and tried to lick my ear again. I ran from him like a flailing little girl… (but a manly one, of course).

The other mothers at the park started to cheer at what they thought was a friendly game of tag (it was not) and encouraged their children to join. Soon, I was being chased by a huge _spawn_ of snot nosed brats, and their leader, Trancy, dressed in provocative short shorts that make us all wonder exactly _what is_ going through his butler's head when he dresses him in the morning.

You see, this is why I don't like his butler.

But, then again, I'm not too fond of mine either. At times like these, when I'm running for my dear life, Sebastian doesn't _help, _no. He just stands there and laughs. _LAUGHS_.

I admit, I've never truly heard Sebastian laugh. It's low and cynical, possessing a vibrant tone of amusement.

I hate it.

"WHY DON'T YOU BLOODY HELP ME?"

"Oh, play, Young Master," he _laughed_, waving his gloved hand dismissively whilst caressing the mane of a kitten. "You seem to be making friends quite easily enough."

Oh, as if sunlight and fresh air weren't bad enough, now I need _friends_ too.

Damn that butler.

So there I was, hiding behind a (rather pathetic) bush, because Trancy was still on the prowl for me and married women kept crowding around, flirting with Sebastian as he flirted with cats.

I truly hate them all.

4. Something even more bizarre happened.

A blond girl (I think?) who was even shorter than me, with a long braid and red cape emblazoned with a cross of sorts, ran by. Behind him/her, a tall suit of armor clanked, screaming something along the lines of, "Wait, Brother! Scar went that way!"

…

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ENGLAND?

You see, this is why I don't go outside.

When I asked Sebastian if he noticed them, he gave me a peculiar look and stated, "Young Master, I believe it's time we go home. You're imagining things again. Have you been taking your medicine?"

_Medicine? _The nerve! As if I need any!

To be honest, I think it was something Sebastian served me earlier.

I am going to end it here. There's a man with a scar across his face standing in my room, asking me where the 'chimera' is.

…

Yep, it was definitely the black forest cake this time. Stupid Sebastian.

Ciel Phantomhive


	4. Revenge Part 1

**A/N: We split this entry into two parts. This is part one. Read, enjoy, and review. ^_^**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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2nd of May, 1889

Journal,

Lizzy's over again. She has been following me around the manor, with a crazed, impatient look in her eyes that usually doesn't surprise me. Lately, though, it's been getting more frightening.

….

….

Oh no. She's sitting right across from me, watching me write in this. Nevertheless, I continue to scribble down furiously, ignoring her hungry stare.

….

….

She'd gotten up. She's coming. She's coming here. Oh God, _she's coming here!_ Seb- Sebas-

….

….

….

3rd of May, 1889

It took me a day to find this stupid thing again. (sigh) I suppose I better explain from the beginning. As I previously mentioned, _Lizzy's_ here, and we all know what that means…

(Hint: Bundles of wretched, wretched pink).

Yesterday, she stole my diary–I mean journal, and ran off with it, giggling about, "Ooo, Ciel's got a secret, Ciel's got a secret~"

I was furious! First she recolors my wardrobe, and then she steals my diary! My deepest, darkest secrets were in the wrong hands!

Eventually I embarked upon it again. But guess who was reading this when I found it.

The devil himself.

Sebastian.

He looked up innocently as he handed it back to me. I noticed a sliver of a smile on his face, turning around, as he said, "My, my Young Master, to find you have so much rage in such a tiny body…"

I looked like a kettle about to explode. My blue eye started turning red.

"WHY THE HELL WERE YOU READING MY DIARY?_!_"

"I found it lying haphazardly about on the ground. It would have been dangerous to leave it there," he coughed into his hand, "…and it just happened to be, ahem, lying open."

I scowled.

"Lying does not suit you, Sebastian."

"And acting like a teenage girl does not suit you, Master. I was not aware I had signed up to be the butler of _Lady_ Phantomhive. "

One time! _One time_ you wear a dress to that creep Druitt's party (for a _mission_, even) and the damned demon won't let you live it down!

"L-Lady?_!_" I stuttered, the blood draining from my face.

I gained a whole new group of *cringes* _admirers_ that day I won't even go into. And Sebastian wonders why I can't sleep at night.

Anyway, I was so pissed that he read my diary and made me remember that which my mind had tried to repress for so long… I knew had no other options.

I had to get revenge. I snuck into his quarters.

Today, I discovered that Sebastian even _had_ his own quarters. (I've always wondered about that. You see, I never cared enough to assign him one).

Well, the door just _happened_ to be open, so being myself… I casually (but slyly) stepped inside. There, I stole the kitten he was hiding in his, ahem, _underwear_ drawer. I found traumatizing things in that drawer besides the kitten, let me tell you. I… shall not go into details. My mind is trying to repress that memory as well.

…Let's just say, I'll never look at Sebastian the same way again.

Oh, yes. Back to the kitten.

It was payback time.

In the attempt to sneak out, a towering shadow cornered me down. At first I thought it was Sebastian catching me in the act, but it turned out to be that crazed, red-haired, Shinigami who's obsessed with him.

"How the hell did you get in here?_!_" I demanded, as I was certain I had never invited _him_ over. Putting a finger to his lips, he told me to "Pipe down, little brat, and tell me where Sebby~ is!"

Then I had an even more brilliant idea. Forget the cat; Sebastian's (not-so-secret) admirer was here… It was perfect.

So, I did what I had to.

I told him where Sebastian was.

I could hear (feminine) screaming, pans clanking in the kitchen, utensils being thrown, Bard running around like a casualty of war, and I smiled to myself.

Yes, I Ciel Phantomhive, _smiled_.

Because, later, Sebastian would have to clean it _all_ up by himself.

Part One of "Get Revenge on Sebastian" had commenced…


	5. Revenge Part 2

**A/N: Super sorry for the late update. My sister hasn't been getting much time to edit much of it. What with summer exams and such. Haha, three more years before I get caught in all that High School nonsense. No offense.**

**Part Two**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

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3rd of May, 1889

Journal,

While Sebastian tried to pry off that freaky Shinigami from his leg, (followed by beating the crap out of him with a frying pan), I quietly snuck away with the kitten.

Bard, panting and, by the looks of it, disturbed beyond belief (I came up with that conclusion based on his wide eyes, flared nostrils, and frantic demeanor), came running from the kitchen over to me, his cigarette hanging loosely from his mouth.

"Y-YOUNG MASTER, THERE'S SOMEONE ATTACKIN' MR. SEBASTIAN IN THERE! I DUNNO _WHAT_ THE HECK THA-THAT _THING _IS!"

"Calm down. Sebastian's merely conversing with an old friend. Perhaps you should leave them be."

He gave me a puzzled look, shrugged it off, and then glanced down at the kitten I was holding.

"Eh, if you say so, but what's that you got there? I thought you didn't like cats…"

I tried to come up with something quick.

"Oh, this? Heh, this is… a gift! F-For Sebastian! And, while we're on the subject, I'm going to need to borrow your flamethrower…"

Unaware of what I had planned, he happily agreed with no hint of suspicion, whatsoever. Sometimes I'm glad my servants are so stupid. Otherwise, I would have probably been in a tough spot right then. Bard then left me, as I trailed down the hall with the kitten in my arms.

However, I could feel my allergies begin to act up, and so, I had to put down it for a moment.

It was not one of my best ideas, I daresay.

As soon as it touched the ground, the kitten sprinted off, back down the hall. I tried to grab it, but because of my (I hate to admit it) _lack of_ _stamina_, I could not keep up with the stupid animal. It dashed into the kitchen, where all the commotion took place, and besides the screams of pain I heard from the Shinigami, some new noises entered the atmosphere.

"AHH! NO, SEBBY, NOT MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!"

"_Mee-owwrrr!"_

"Oh dear, it seems Mr. SnugglyPoo has escaped my room again."

"WHAT? _NO FAIR!_ YOU DON'T GIVE _ME_ CUTE PET NAMES!"

*clang!*

"I would appreciate it if you kept your mouth closed."

I hastily slipped into the kitchen, and tried to grab the cat. Sebastian's eyes widened slightly at me.

"Young Master! What are you–?"

I managed to grasp his kitten before he could do anything, smirk at him (I had to make time for that, of course), and then race outside again. My victory didn't last long though, when I heard the Shinigami fall to the ground and footsteps approaching. _He was coming!_

I ran down the hall, sneezing, whilst the kitten scratched at my clutches. Nonetheless, I did not let go.

Then, Sebastian showed up.

I froze, wide-eyed.

I could've sworn I saw a look of pure hatred on his face.

I think more than my soul was in danger at that very moment.

Yet again, it was a battle of wits and odd. Of man and demon. Of servant and master. We stared at each other for a moment, silent vicious fumes of energy passing between us. The temperature in the room had dropped to an all-time low. The kitten continued meowing.

However, I, Ciel Phantomhive, am not to be intimidated by my own servant, and so, on a whim, threw the obnoxious animal out the window. And set it on fire with Bard's flamethrower. Sebastian deadpanned.

I thought myself very clever.

But then it jumped into a nearby pond and… survived. Damn.

Sebastian was grinning now. Mr. SnugglyPoo had won. Even worse, Sebastian had won.

I had lost.

I'm going to stop writing now. My pride has gotten a beating so course, it'll take more than strawberry parfaits to ease the pain.

Ciel Phantomhive

Post-Script: I will find you, Mr. SnugglyPoo, and when I do… Let's just say it won't be pretty.

Not at all.


	6. Party Preparations

**A/N: Please review! (Part 1 of 2)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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11th of May, 1889

Journal,

Sebastian is making me host a party in order to keep up with all the idiot aristocracy in England.

Right. Because it's not enough that I put up with Lizzy and Trancy on a regular basis, I should now feel obligated to invite them for _dinner_ as well.

"Young Master, it's important to participate in social events as the Earl of Phantomhive. You must present an exemplary image of yourself—"

I had stopped listening at this point, seriously contemplating throwing my slice of lemon meringue pie at his face. He noticed the look on my face and confiscated my silverware. Then he said to me, in a very stern manner:

"Do try to behave yourself at this event. We do _not_ want another incident of what happened at last year's Christmas party."

He still does not believe me when I say I _didn't_ set that chandelier on fire. It was Bard! How in hell would I get hold of his flamethrower anyway?_! _

Well, to be honest… it was actually quite easy—

Enough of that. To prepare for the party, I had to get fitted into my newest clown/doll outfit by that wretched seamstress who keeps telling me my measurements are shrinking. Sebastian hates her as well. We came up with a lot of colorful names for her while waiting.

As it turns out, Sebastian has a rather extensive vocabulary. There were words even _I _was not familiar with.

I learned quite a few words today. I will try to use them as often as I can in my writing.

Back to the wretched seamstress. As I recall, she also made me that horrible dress as well. The one with the pink ruffles and the… _corset_ (shudders) that got me captured by that Druitt creep.

I will never forgive her.

Although, now that I think about it, Sebastian was the one who actually _put_ me in the corset…

That bastard.

And Lizzy came over just for the hell of it again. I swear she's counting down the days until she can permanently move in and paint the entire mansion pink, including the servants, Sebastian, and me.

If it isn't painfully clear, I really dread my marriage.

"Ohhh, Ciel~! That looks adorable on you~!" she spieled, pinching my cheeks as that wretched seamstress stuck pins into my shirt. Even Sebastian watched in half-hearted joy. I bet he was waiting for me to call for help.

I held strong.

Then the wretched seamstress grabbed my arms and made me undress, full center. "Hmm… it seems you've lost weight again. And your waist has shrunk. And you're grown shorter as well—"

_"SEBASTIAN!"_

I pulled away like a wild animal, trying to get my shirt on again. Sebastian hauled me out of there, clown/doll outfit and all.

I was safe again.

Or so I thought.

Several hours later the servants were preparing the house for the party. I could hear windows breaking, and and trees falling to the ground outside. A part of the ceiling almost fell on my head and killed me. Almost.

I wish it had.

But then Sebastian saved me. Again.

I hate that bastard.

*sigh* I shall continue writing in this after the party. If I'm still alive that is.

Knowing that hell of a bast—_butler_, I probably will be.

Ciel Phantomhive


	7. Party Part 1

**A/N: SUPER SORRY FOR THE LATENESS! My sister and I were having a severe case of Writer's Block for this chapter. But we managed to cough up something, lol. Please read, enjoy, and REVIEW! **

**Also, the party will be separated into three chapters. This is the first one.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

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11th of May, 1889

Journal,

Please. Shoot me now.

This has got to be the absolute worst situation I've ever been in.

…Make that the second worst.

So as you know, Sebastian's got me throwing a party for no reason whatsoever. England's aristocracy's been invited. The Midfords came, along with Lizzy who's practically been here all week and the Mother-in-law from Hell. Soma showed up just for the hell of it, though he wasn't invited. Lau's here somewhere too I think…

And then there's Trancy. The reason why I, despite being the host, am hiding under the table for the sake of my dear life at this moment. My revolver's tucked safely in my back pocket. Nothing to do but count the stains on the tablecloth Sebastian forgot to clean. Or was it Mey-rin? Hmm…

I blame Sebastian.

Lazy, good-for-nothing, cruel, insufferable, authoritative, bossy, manipulative—

My God, he's becoming like _me_.

…

…

…

Awful things always happen to me. Trancy got the memo that I'm allergic to kittens from someone and brought a horde of them to the party, setting them loose, _just_ to trip me up. My incessant sneezing gave my hiding spot away.

Trancy yanked up the tablecloth and leered at me. "You didn't tell me we were playing hide-and seek, Ciel!"

"SEBASTIAN!"

"Oh, no you don't."

And then the lights went out.

…

…

…

I woke up in this dark and crowded room, tied to a chair. It was very cold and pitch black, reminding me of the time that Druitt creep tied me up and tried to auction me off at a black-market.

Except that I wasn't duct taped.

And I wasn't wearing a dress, either. (Thankfully)

I tried calling out for Sebastian, but when my ears were met with silence, I realized that he wasn't there. The lazy bastard.

I was just about to start my infuriated ranting when a sudden glow of light cut me off. Trancy stood in front of me, holding a flashlight to his face.

You could imagine my initial reaction.

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?

All the vile names and swears Sebastian had told me not say came out in a stream, all of which Trancy ignored, walking towards me.

"So, how do you like this new game I came up with?"

I stared at him for a moment.

He giggled. "Do you like the new game? Pirate Hostage?

I was seeing red..

"JUST BECAUSE I HAVE AN EYEPATCH, DOESN'T MEAN I'M A PIRATE!_!"_

Again, he ignored my comments. The following minutes were a nightmare. An agonizingly slow nightmare.

He began reading me, page by page, the rules of 'Pirate Hostage'.

"Remember, no hitting on the eyes, ears, head, face, nose, neck, shoulders, arms, hands, legs, feet, chest, toes, tongue…"

I stopped paying attention after that.

After that, he forced me to walk the plank, even when I _politely_ informed him that I could do no such thing:

"YOU BLOODY IDIOT! THERE'S NO PLANK! GAH, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? WERE YOU DROPPED ON YOUR HEAD AS A CHILD?!"

"Don't bring up my childhood," he sniffled. "And, geez, you don't have to get so angry. Let's play a different game, instead."

Trancy took out a deck of cards and asked me to pick one. It was the highlight of the night, because I managed to bite his hand (_hard) _when he offered them to me. This, however, was not to his liking as he burst into tears and finally his butler appeared in the doorway.

"C-C-Claude!" he sobbed. "C-C-Ciel bit me!"

His butler looked at me with sparkling eyes. I knew there was trouble. WHY WAS EVERYONE OBSESSED WITH ME? And while he tended that brat's wounds, he kept sneaking glances at me, smiling hungrily.

I had enough.

Despite being tied up, I stood and the chair came with me. I swung my body around, causing the chair to swing with me, and it hit Trancy and his butler. I almost laughed at such an achievement, but Trancy suddenly stuck his hand out and grabbed my foot.

I did not let him win, however.

I kicked him in the face.

His butler did nothing.

Then, I hobbled over to the door, whilst Trancy cried for me to come back, and smashed into it with my back of a chair. I escaped their mansion, (which was not _nearly_ as nice as mine, I must point out), and ran off into the night.

At first I had no idea where I was going. But after running around in the forest for a while, and almost getting eaten by a bear (long story) and trampled by an elephant (SOMA!), I managed to find my manor in the distant part of London, all with a chair on my back. (My hands were tied too, so I could not remove it even if I tried).

As I approached the doors, I cursed at how lazy my idiotic butler was. Suddenly, a figure appeared before me.

Speak of the devil.

"Oh, so _now_ you show up," I clenched my jaw.

He smirked in his stupidly smug way, making me want to kick him in the face too.

"Ah, Young Master, where were you?" he said, kindly. "I told you not to run off during the party."

"I DIDN'T RUN OFF, YOU BASTARD! I WAS KIDNAPPED! _KIDNAPPED!"_

"Oh, really? Why didn't you call for me?"

I grit my teeth.

"Don't play games! Why didn't you come sooner?"

"Hm, it seems my demonic connection is having problems. Maybe next time you need to call louder."

_This close!_ I was _this close_ to swinging my chair around at him!

I then commanded him to untie me from the chair, and as soon as he did so, I attempted to kick him where the sun didn't shine.

I missed.

He dragged me back into the party by the torn sleeve, tsking, "My dear, Master, what a state you're in. We must get you cleaned up for the guests. I believe Lady Elizabeth was wanting to dance with you."

I realized then my troubles had only begun.


	8. Party Part 2

**A/N: Read and review! ^^**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

Journal,

I am standing outside the bathroom door right now. Something… odd just happened, but I'll start from when Sebastian forced me inside the manor again.

After the Trancy incident, he dragged me back to the party like a feeble little imp, making a mockery of the Phantomhive name in front of all the guests. (Although me screaming and flailing my arms seemed to add to the effect).

Sebastian then forced me to dance with Lizzy, who actually looked more than happy to_, _much to _my_ dismay.

Let's just say, even with my clothes torn, hair a mess, twigs in places twigs should not be, and mind inevitably scarred, my time with the Trancy brat had been more pleasant than the dance with my fiancée.

Much more pleasant, I daresay.

And the worst part of it all was when I saw Sebastian laughing, no, _guffawing, _at me behind the pastry table. The same table he was _supposed_ to be cleaning up.

And he calls himself, "one hell of a butler". Hmph. If that had been true, he would be doing a lot more than being smug all of the time and collecting homeless kittens.

Therefore, I proposed that, "one hell of an idiot" would fit better, but, unfortunately, no one else was up for my suggestion. Why not? I haven't the slightest idea. Personally, I thought it was rather clever.

Then again, with all that had happened tonight, I cannot be sure of anything anymore.

Anyway, after the dance (my feet were sore from Lizzy stepping all over them), I limped over to the bathroom in order to tidy myself up. The twigs were poking me in uncomfortable places, and I also thought I felt something slither in my boot up my pant leg, but I stifled the urge to scream out childishly for Sebastian.

I, Ciel Phantomhive, can handle myself!

Turning the knob and pushing the door slightly, my eyes widened at the sight.

The same suit of armor and blonde girl (?) with the braid were in there, inspecting my cupboards, toilet, and sink.

"Look, Brother! They have tiny soap thingies! How fancy. Ooh, and these combs are so pretty!"

"Psh, Forget that, Al. these toilets flush really smoothly. Whoa! It's overflowing now!"

"Don't flood it! Remember what happened to the Colonel when he sat down?"

"Oh yeah, haha! He shot up like a rocket! Classic!"

I stood there, frozen, but they hadn't seemed to notice me.

I closed the door.

…

Meh, I'll just use Sebastian's toilet. If I remembered to assign him one, that is. (Wait. Do demons even use toilets? I should ask him about it. Get all personal). Speaking of which, where were his quarters again? Oh God, I feel something crawling up my leg—

…

…

…

I finally finished cleaning myself up, (_without_ Sebastian's help, thank you very much) but as I approached the main party room, everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at me.

I was inclined to ask, "What are all you imbeciles looking at?", but I bit my tongue, as I could feel someone come near me from behind.

"Forgive me, Young Master, but… your tie is crooked, your trousers are on backwards, your belt is hanging loose, your shoes are untied, you socks are mismatched, your shirt is buttoned incorrectly, your bloomers are showing, and your hair is a bigger mess than before."

I spun around to glare at Sebastian, my face heating up from anger and embarrassment, _(I don't wear bloomers! They're drawers, I tell you!)_ but just as I was about to viciously express my thoughts, the main entrance door busted open.

A tall figure with long, wild, red hair and glasses grinned wickedly, revealing sharp teeth, and it took me a moment to process what was going on.

One second Sebastian was standing behind me, and the next, he's gone like the wind. Swiftly, the Shinigami trailed after him, chainsaw in hand. Like most noblemen, you would expect me to be concerned for my servant, correct?

Hell, no. That bastard can look after himself. What do I look like?

His friend?

Please. Don't make me laugh.

Well, it took some difficulty trying to explain to the guests that the mad-looking person that had just broken in was Sebastian's long lost cousin, (twice removed) and they just had some catching up to do. As expected, they all shrugged and understood. Ha. Idiots.

But as I was still dressed inappropriately for the party, I could feel the air tense as the Mother-in-law-from-Hell crossed her arms and glared at me.

"Ciel, how on earth can you even think of presenting yourself like this to the public? It's absolutely disgraceful! You're unfit to be the husband of my daughter if you cannot even dress yourself! Come with me!"

After twenty minutes of pure torture, (and more chicken fat), the woman released me back into the public. I hate to admit it, but I suppose I did appear more well-groomed than before. However, my drawers were bunched up rather uncomfortably in… _areas_ I shall not describe, and the Mother-in-law-from-Hell had forbid me from straightening them, despite how much pain it caused me.

It truly did cause me quite a bit of pain.

Therefore, because of her, I will be swollen for the few following days, and I will smell like uncooked animal fat, no matter how much I bathe.

I hate that woman.

Oh, and since we're on the note, I will just say that I hate Sebastian, as well.

Only because it popped up in my mind right now.

And also because he did not clean the pastry table.

…

…

…

Lizzy offered me a present. It was a pink, fluffy/feathery suit with white roses around the collar and cuffs, as well as a vibrant, pink bowtie for my neck. As expected.

Upon seeing it, I immediately excused myself and went to the far, isolated, end of the manor, where I stepped out inside the garden. I, again, asked Bard for his flamethrower, and I'm sure you can assume what I did to that horrid present.

Perhaps, I should have found a better way to hide the present, but I couldn't have Lizzy or her mother come across it in the local dump, or worse… have Sebastian find it… _in my closet_. {insert shudder} Though it was difficult to extinguish the fire, (I destroyed two brooms and almost burned my leg) this was the most efficient way to dispose of the hideous suit.

Until I saw someone watching me from the corner of my eye. A gray haired malicious-looking figure with a crooked smile.

"_Oh Earl." _

Here we go again. Shoot me now.


End file.
